365 Days and Carry the One for My Lifetime.

My mother loves talking about college and my future. It's frustrating considering I'm 16 and have no idea about what I want to do with my life. On top of that my sister is here for a visit. I lover her very much but she is so different than me. She is beautiful and crazy and amazing. I'm just kind of blah. We have a nine year age difference between us and I've never really felt it until a few weeks ago. Both of my parents said That they want nothing more than to be with my sister and her baby,but they can't do that because they have me. I feel like I'm holding them back. I didn't ask for this or to feel like an accident. 

So I wrote this about how I feel.

"365 Days and Carry the One for My Lifetime."

I remember when I was 7,

I looked at my sister,

As she wore 9 years

Of difference on her sleeve, 

And entered a world of high school.

I watched as she fought her way

To the top, 

As I sat there,

Clinging childhood to my chest.

When I was 9,

I looked to my sister,

And saw pure beauty,

She made high school look good,

As she recycled guy after guy.

That's when I decide that 

I only wanted to be 

The good found in my sister,

Her with an innocent twist.

But when I was 12,

I watched my sister

As she covered college tattoos

With white,

And received religion with a 

Matching wedding band. 

That's when I realized 

That the adventure in her flew away,

And my best friend

Committed to nine years fast forward,

Left me with idealistic pictures

Of similarity.

I spent so long trying to decide

If I wanted to be my sister,

Or not,

Walking with one foot in her tracks,

And one somewhere in 

Uncharted territory.

As change whispered its name

To me every day,

About who I and

And what I'll do.

Because when I was 6,

I thought I was going to be a dancer,

With a ticket into space,

Leaving my name in the stars.

But when I was 10,

I thought I was going to be an actor,

Signing my 15 minutes of fame

With a felt pen. 

When I was 12,

I was going to be a veterinarian,

When I was 14,

I was going to be a doctor.

Now with two years left,

I'm racing towards the finish line,

And I lose my voice

Whenever I'm faced with my parents,

And What I will become.

I never thought I'd be like this,

16 and a high school heart break,

Chickening out after the first kiss,

Just as change has the opportunity

To send me a letter in the mail.

I never thought that I'd be this way,

Ready to run away from the world's voice,

To catch my breath,

And sign post cards with heart, 

Leaving space to rattle in my head of 

I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

People tell me what to think,

But for this I know,

I will survive four years of

Public school handcuffs,

Coming out on the other end 

With badges, and plaques, 

And memories that'll fade 

With the embers of our camp fire,

In which we taste s'mores,

And each other's futures.

I will make it to become something great,

Even if it is 15 minutes away

From a piece of paper

That'll make me grow up.

Because when I was 6,

I was new,

And I looked to my sister

For the answers,

But now,

I have a pretty firm grip on my world,

When I need the answer to 46 across,

I'll look at the mirror,

Hold my breath,

And tattoo my name to my lips,

Whispering,

"This is who I am."

Demon Pride 2012-2013

Well, It's been one hell of a year. It's been crazy. Today was the last day of school. I realized I've gained friends that I can't live without now,and I've lost some that I thought I would have forever. I passed my french class and enjoyed a year of poetry. I lost someone I loved and gained someone too. I stayed up all night and partied pretty hard. Now all that is left is for me to play Pomp and Circumstance at graduation. (That song lasts longer than most high school relationships)  I'll watch Emma, my penguin mate for life, graduate. I know this summer will be amazing and then Isabel leaves for Turkey and Jeeda, our exchange student from Jordan, goes home. WOW!!!

As a status update I just have to try out for clarinet section leader do two more performances and then I'm done until band camp. I signed up for poetry again next year but I won't get a class credit for it because my school hates creativity.

Some pictures of my life!!!

Clarinet section leaders, Emma and I.

Hanging out downtown after a garage band concert.

Andrew our friend that joined our pack after moving from Texas.

Making Cupcakes at Andrew's house, Asher and Isabel. 

This Is what we do at swim meets

Halloween at Santa Fe High School

Marching band, The show was lady Gaga

Me, Emily, and Asher. We're like a weird family

This Is my best friend Amy and I at Fiestas!

That was a brief overview of my year. It barely has anything that we actually did and it only contains about a fraction on my friends and stories. I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!

What it's like to grow up

So it's finally the week of Finals. I think I can do it! It's only four days with 7 finals and getting out at 1:40 everyday. I CAN DO IT!!! 

This weekend I went to Albuquerque with my band. We were supposed to go the Chicago for our band vacation but it got canceled. So instead we went to the water park and spent the night there. It was a lot of fun, except I fell down the stairs..... But I got to play water basketball with a bunch of the guys. That was fun, but I got a bunch of bruises from it. OH WELL!!! The hotel had sleep number beds, which were beautiful. My friend Emma and I roomed together and I put my bed as soft as it would go and she put hers as hard as it would go. Then we jumped on them!! So much fun. The next day we went to the amusement park and we rode all of the rides. It was totally worth it, even if I'm totally bruised. While we were in the hotel we stole the pillows from everyone's room and put it in my friends room. We made a fort! Then I got to sleep with 7 pillows!! 

This is one of my favorite Spoken word poems.

This is my poem!!

“What it's like to grow up."

A pretty little girl,
Sitting at her own perfect table,
A pink frilly dress and delicate curls to match,
Her feet in Mommy's high heels,
Plastic pearls around her neck.
Her tiny hands lifting the tea pot,
Her words asking, "One lump or Two?"
 
A heroic little boy,
Leaping off the back of the couch,
jumping on pillows,
and flying like a super hero
to avoid touching the lava floor.
He never wants to take and nap,

Daddy carries him to bed each night.
 
Two mirrored siblings
Playing at the park,
Rushing down the plastic slides,
Race to the monkey bars,
And crying to be pushed higher on the swings.
They never get bored together,
Always there for each other.
 
We all did these things,
But at what age does this just fall away?
When does the tea party end,
The lava floor harden,
And we stop asking to be pushed higher?

You know,
Our imaginations took the first rusted boat away from here,
The monsters no longer live in the closet,
But instead inside of us.
Popsicles on hot summer days turned into
cigarettes on cold lonely nights,
Skirts became shorter,
Nights out became longer.
  
Our innocence had been shot
Like a small bird from the sky.
We're all corrupted,
None of us are flawless,
And we're all too far away to go back to the way it was before.

Eventually,

Pretty little girls become known sluts,
and easy whores,
Heroic little boys become sketchy outcasts,
and  junkies by the hour,
And siblings become watched thieves,
Until one of them puts a bullet in their head.

 
It's all about getting older,
And admit it,
We all couldn't wait to grow up,
Maybe even a little too soon.
You don't realize how fucked up we are
Until you look back and see how perfect we were.
 
When Mommy and Daddy can't solve your problems,
When the pain is inside of you instead of a scraped knee,
When steady drinking is the only thing that gets you to sleep at night,
That's the moment when you realize,
That this is what it's like to grow up.

Wild card

AHHHHHHH!!!!! So we are preparing for finals and my head is spinning. I'm totally Freaking out about them. I mean, my grades are good and I'm a smart girl. But still, how can someone act so calm when we're about to be tested on EVERYTHING we've learned. I can do it.I can't believe I only have one more English class before my final.... Wow.

I wrote this poem for funzzies. It's sorta long...

"Wild Card"


They took you from the jungle,
Away from a life that was all your own,
A world that was
Lost to the human race,
Where you didn't know the taste
Of foul reality,
Or of the existence of tragedy.

A home in the jungle,
Made entirely of finger prints,
And the sweet,
Intoxicating smell of coconut lotion.
Where the trees could bend and twist,
Showing their raw bark,
And the strength of standing
Completely on their own.
Where the rivers swerve and duck,
Crystal clear waters show their identity,
And those who seek direction,
Follow the yearning whispers of waves
On sandy shores.

They took you from the jungle,
Calling it a rescue of the soul,
Spitting dates and times,
17 years,
204 months,
6234 days,
Everything you knew,
Printed on a single page,
Double spaced in sticky back ink.

They gave you stale bread,
And opinions to chew on,
A metal cup,
Filled to the brim,
With lies and tragedy.
Making you take hard sip after hard sip,
Leaving a stinging pain in your throat.
They tied you down,
And cut your past,
Put you through a copy machine,
Assigned you a number,
Laid you down in a bed made from regret,
With crippling memories as starched sheets.

When they took you from the jungle,
They expected you to break,
With culture shock foaming at your mouth,
Change shaking your very diaphragm,
And the weight of the world,
As the weight of your breath.
But you learned something in the jungle,
You learned scraped knees and broken bones,
Failure and pain,
But with every mistake that scarred your name,
You wore it on your skin.
As you opened new stripes
For every misfortune that you owned,
You wore them like a coat.
They grew and darkened
With every lesson that was shoved down your throat.

But time,
Time made you that picturesque
Image of an urban tiger,
Praying on street lights,
And taking cool drinks
From the reflections of skyscrapers.

You watched them cage your trees,
And bottle your river,
To sell on hot mid-morning days
For a dollar sixty-eight.
They tore down your home of finger prints,
Leaving them in a pile,
Mixed in with milk carton missing faces.
 "Saving" the jungle,
Like they did you.

When it was gone,
You tattooed the jungle
On the back of your hand,
And wore your tiger stripes,
Away from a life that was all your own,
They tried to strip you of everything you were,
But,
You held on.
Aware of the fight,
That you were the last piece of wild,
Anyone will see.

Kaleidoscope Confessions

It's been a while since I've posted anything. School has become so very stressful as we all dash to finish with only 1 week of classes left and then finals. My teachers are handing out study guides for our 100+ question finals, I have to get my schedule for next year, regular homework, projects, concerts fir band, there is just so much to do and I have no time left. UGH!!!! Well I'm almost there, then I can let my brain rot until July when I need it again. Lately my friends and I have been eating lunch outside. It's lovely, but the thing about the New Mexico sun is that it's really intense. So I've been getting sun burnt. A lot. And today my math teacher told me to stop day  dreaming. Good luck with getting me to do that.

I wrote what I was thinking the other day, and this is what I came up with. I wrote it like a letter. It's kinda girly and dumb....

"Kaleidoscope Confessions."

 

Dear You,

Your green eyes make me nervous,

Your dark hair grabs at my attention,

Your smile lets me see

How perfect you are.

You're funny and smart,

Nice and caring,

Real and my best friend,

You stand by me,

To pull me back down to Earth.

Clumsy, silly, messy us,

Made me question everything we were,

When you kissed me

At the stroke of midnight,

Like were were standing

In the sprinklers,

Of fairy tale's drive way.

And you held me,

Arms wrapped around mine,

Lightly touching skin,

Fingers intertwined.

You whispered how it was going to be okay,

When I was afraid of what was before us.

And you laughed,

A light hint,

Letting me know you cared.

We were playful,

Teasing and wrestling,

Where you'd always win,

And I'd always deny it.

You fucked with my head,

My thoughts were unclear,

Day dreams grabbed me by the wrist,

Pulling me to where ever you were.

But after I closed the door goodnight,

We watched the back of our hands,

As nothing else happened,

And we wore awkward

Around our necks. 

That was it,

Never spoken out loud,

About what had happened.

You left me in a state in the past,

As you attempted another trial

To swoon my friend number seven.

Apparently,

You should never give up on something,

If you really want it.

But what if it doesn't want you back?

So,

I wont call it giving up,

It'll be a road trip

Away from that one night,

I'll send our friendship post cards,

I'll sign all of them

With a question and a Statement,

And End it with,

Sincerely Yours<3